Why We Scrapped the Golden Rule

As a child, I was raised on the golden rule. I was taught to treat others as I wanted to be treated. Initially, I taught my children the same thing - afterall it was The Golden Rule.

As a little girl, people didn't treat me very well, but I'd continue to  treat them the way I wanted to be treated because that's what my mom expected of me.

That didn't turn out so well. I'd treat them well, they'd treat me worse, rinse and repeat.

When I noticed my daughter struggling with some of these same patterns, I decided we needed a change of course and fast.

She'd become too concerned she'd hurt someone's feelings if she stood up for herself.  She was letting things slide even though they were hurtful to her.  Mommy can't have that.

The Golden Rule wasn't working for us. We had to scrap it.

In my  late 20's, my philosophy on kindness evolved a bit.  I began operating under the Platinum Rule which is to treat people the way they showed me they wanted to be treated.  It's way more effective, not to mention logical because:

(1) not everyone wants to be treated how I want to be treated; and

(2) not everyone is playing by the same rule book.

Noticing how gentle and sensitive my daughter had become made me begin to wonder can the messages we send them about kindness also teach weakness?

Now,  just because my kid is gentler does not make her weak. I like the fact that she is not overbearing or aggressive. However, I decided she had to toughen  up a bit because these kids out here will rip the marrow off  of anyone they perceive as weak.

To be blunt, I've had to start teaching her to flip the proverbial middle finger at people who try to put her down or slight her because she doesn't fit into their box of what a brown girl should be.

She listens to country music, watches old episodes of Roseanne on YouTube, has an encyclopedic knowledge of Michael Jackson and just about anything else random you'd like to know. So, what? Not every young black girl wants to twerk or be a vixen  - and that is okay. I don't want her compromising who she is because other people can't deal.

I've began teaching her that everyone deserves tolerance, but she should be selective with her kindness. This doesn't mean she should be unkind. It simply means she should deal with people as they come versus being nicey-nice regardless of how she is being treated.

For us, it is about being less open until it's clear kindness will be reciprocated.

Seems harsh, huh? Maybe it is, but it's also necessary in this age of rampant bullying.

I think it is a pretty tame message given the fact she is growing up alongside an un-parented generation of  kids who are the real life manifestation of  Lord of the Flies. The only difference is  they have Facebook and Instagram pages to dole out their cruelty.

For this reason, we had to scrap the Golden Rule, but the Platinum Rule has been working pretty well for us.

What is your philosophy on kindness? Did teaching your child the Golden Rule make them stronger or weaker?