Should We Tell Our Kids 'Maybe?'

We do it in a plethora of ways.  There's 'maybe,' 'not yet,' 'you can get it when,' and the infamous 'if you be good." Moms have all types of ways of not giving their kids definitive answers.  Did you know that in most African cultures there are no words for 'maybe.'  There was yes or no, you were here are there.  Kids didn't try to be good, they were either good or they were not.

Personally, I'm beginning to get tired of the consequences of 'maybe.' Often times my answer of 'not yet' or 'we'll try to later' ends in a constant barrage of 'are you ready yet,' or 'didn't you say.' The result of these iffy answers is that I feel guilty and my kids feel like I've broken a promise if I don't fulfill my would-be promise. Not to mention, that my oldest son is often using the phrase 'I'm trying to...,' which bothers me when I see feeble attempts and notice that it is an excuse being used far too often.  So, one of my New Year's resolutions is to change our household vernacular by eliminating these 'what if' statements.

In my humble, but informed, opinion too many 'maybes' teach our kids to react on the basis of fear.  In the unknown spaces of 'maybe' and 'we'll try' lives a fear of reality.  The bottom-line is I know that I only have $30 for groceries when I go into the store, and for me to buy you that $1 Snickers is going to take $1 away from the fruits and vegetables I need to buy.  So, when my little one ask me in the car if he can get candy, I already know that I realistically cannot meet that need.  Telling him 'maybe' just to pacify his senses for the moment creates anxiety that later turns to disappointment that transforms to a full blown tantrum when he sees the yummies that I have now tell him I definitely can't buy.  Rather mommy, take the high road: "No, Phillip candy is not in the budget this week."  No excuses equals no expectations.

With my 12-year-old son I have been trying to get him to concentrate on what is happening right now, in reality, rather than what can be expected if his hopes are fulfilled.  So, if I don't want him going to his buddies house this weekend, I say no.  The finite of his current life says his room is not cleaned, he may have forgot a homework assignment, or mommy just doesn't feel its safe and one of the rules at our home says safety is essential.

My conclusion is that it is best to be firm in your answer with children rather than leaving them to speculation and anxiety over truth and reality.  How often do you tell your children maybe.