Making My Mother-In Law Love Me, at least for Christmas
At the beginning of our marriage, I knew the relationship between my mother-in-law and I would not initially be a match made in heaven. From you shouldn't buy your kids toys to that's not how we make the turkey to if you put dreadlocks in your hair you can't come to my house, our cultural and lifestyle choices were just different. See, my husband's family is Trinidadian and I'm African-American. So while we both have tone to our skin, we are literally a world away from one another in terms of 'how' we do just about everything. Fortunately for us, we share a common bond: my husband: So at least twice a year, usually a holiday, we pile the kids into the car to take the 8-hour trip to Brooklyn. But, this year is different. This year I don't feel anxious or inadequate or even the need to please. And, to be honest, those feelings were really easy to overcome once I understood these 4 principles.
1. It's Not About Me: Over time I came to realize that my mother-in-laws feelings that I initially may not have been the ideal mate for her son were not about me. That was her baggage. It had nothing to do with not knowing how to make stew chicken or the fact that I liked buying my kids toys for Christmas. I now understand it would not have made a difference if my husband would have married the Trinidadian princess of his mother's dreams. Bottom-line, we were new to each other not only culturally, but personally. When two people are building a relationship from scratch it is just like asking a stranger to dance. It takes some time to get into a graceful groove. The only thing you can do is make sure you are in sync with the rhythm, and allow the other person time to get on beat with you.
2. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff: Whenever I would visit my mother-in-law she would send me home with 'things.' From bags of napkins, to shower curtains to mounds and mounds of fruit that I knew we could not humanely eat before it would spoil and it would piss me off because the giving always came with a harsh warning "don't throw that away." It didn't matter whether I needed the things or had room for them she would give anyway. I saw her giving me these things as her way of somehow pushing her way into my home. But, then it dawned on me that I didn't have to keep it. So, one day I just decided I would keep what I needed and give the rest to a church, soup kitchen or second-hand store -- and she would never know. So, in essence I learned that it wasn't that big of a deal and that a little resourcefulness goes a long way. Besides that it obviously made her feel good so why deny her that.
3. Those are Her Kids Too: I didn't want to admit it at first, but when we got married we did merge families. That means that yes, these are her kids too. It doesn't matter that you hate those Christmas sweaters with the teddy bears on them and that they make your kids itch. If it makes your mother-in-law's day to see all three boys in the same ugly sweaters have them put on a t-shirt under it, promise them they can take it off after dinner and make them wear it. Traditions are important, no matter how uncomfortable or out-of-place they make you feel. Plus, just think. One day you will be the grandmother who loves seeing her grandchildren in ugly sweaters and you'll want your child's mate to comply. Let her have some say with the kids. After all grandmas don't last forever and if your significant other was enough of a catch that you're with him than she's already given you a great gift. In the holiday spirit, you must give to receive.
4. Let Him Handle It: Once I realized this it completely changed my relationship with my mother-in-law. I learned it by examining my husband's relationship with my mother. They never really had any issues, but I knew that if they did it would be my job to take care of it and put everyone back on the same page. So why should he get off the hook with his mother? When two women engage in a disagreement things can easily escalate from 0-10 in a matter of minutes. Allowing your husband to handle issues with his family members is likely the best route as he already has a history of settling disputes with them. Further, if your mother-in-law understands that her son places your happiness at the top of his priorities and that hurting you results in trouble for him, she is more likely to respect his wishes and feelings than yours. If your hubby, or significant other, refuses to address the issues it may be time for some relationship re-evaluation.
Well, I'm on my way to New York for Thanksgiving today. Wish me luck! How do you deal with family drama during the holidays?