I'll Admit it: I've Been a Negligent Parent

I read an article on CNN this morning entitled "Negligent Parents, lawbreaking kids." It talked about kids who end up in jail mostly because of parents who refuse to see how their lack of discipline and household structure leads to the the unruly behavior of their children.  Then I rolled down to the comments and a lot of teachers left their opinions on neglectful parents who leave the school to raise their children.  One of the quotes said:

I was a public school educator for almost 10 years, and the thing that bothered me most was the constant parental negligence that happens when kids do bad things. I would have meetings where the parents blamed everyone but their child for their child's actions, it's gross. Personal Responsibility has been lost on this culture.

Then LZ Granderson, the author of the article said this:

Some of us have become so addicted to pointing fingers at others for all the wrong that happens in our lives that self-assessment has become synonymous with blaming the victim.

My son was kicked out of summer camp this year.  He is 11 years-old.  My first instinct was that my son did nothing wrong; someone must have did something to him.  My oldest son is articulate, he loves to read, he doesn't disrespect me and I couldn't believe this was happening.  But, as the summer progressed and I was able to spend more time with him I realized some discrepancies in the son I know and the man he is becoming.  When I asked him to do chores he often pouted, he was disorganized with his things (i.e. losing shoes, keeping a messy room) and he had little interest in doing things that did not directly benefit him.  Over the summer things began to click for me.  In the past teachers would complain that my boy would hand in crumpled up homework, was always losing books and had a hard time calming down after altercations with other students.  So this summer I had to put on my mom jeans and admit that there had been a glitch in my parenting somewhere.

I was a single mom until my son was 7 years-old and I had to realize that during the time my son was getting away with murder.  For too long he was allowed to 1/2 ass his chores.  I would buy him new school supplies and even sneakers when he lost them and I made excuses for his pouting.  I realized that while he does have the ability to control his own actions, at this stage in his life how he controls his actions is mostly based on the tools that I have equipped him with for dealing with those actions.

This was not easy for me to do.  But, I want to raise a man that will make a great husband and father.  I know that I won't be able to do that if I start making excuses for him at such a young age. So over the summer we found my son a volunteer opportunity cleaning up his community twice a week, held building sessions with him where we read books and talked about how the characters or author handles conflict, made him wear a pair of his dads old sneakers all summer because he lost his during the school year and held him to a higher standard with his chores around the house.

I'm proud to say that just two days ago I witnessed my son wash clothes for everyone in the house without prompting.  My son now gets up at 6 a.m. on his own to help his father out with getting his younger brothers ready for school.  And, because we cancelled his computer time over the summer, he is currently working on fixing an old computer from his grandfather's basement --- necessity is the grandfather of innovation.

I'm proud of him and more importantly, I now I have the confidence I need to discipline him without feeling like I'm taking something away from him. I still makes me cringe to see him struggle or cry, but I know its for his best.

My husband always tells me: A man has to be allowed to struggle, it builds character.  Thanks LZ Granderson, I hope that article hits home for more of us former and current single moms.