Can Black Women "Have it All" Without Kids?

Each time that I gave birth I underwent a transformation. When I was 19 and had my first son I learned that life was difficult and required much sacrifice. When I gave birth to my second son at age 26, I learned that love conquered all things. When I gave birth again at 27 I learned that the legacy I would leave to my children meant more to me than I (as an individual) meant to myself. Each time my husband handed me a son he handed me a lesson, a love and a legacy.

But, when I read the Time magazine article entitled, “The Childfree Life: When having it all means not having children,” I understood why women might feel that way. Specifically, I get why Black women would yearn for a childfree life.

At a very early age most Black girls are given the “you betta not get pregnant speech.” That speech sums up every reason a Black woman should not have children. From “it's hard to find a Black man,” to “you'll end up in the projects,” and the physical evidence “you don't wanna be like so and so, she got all them kids and she's struggling,” Black women are given all of the reasons not to have kids and very little in favor of them. With “the speech” on constant replay coupled with the disproportionate number of Black women living in a lower socio-economic category and the very real Black man shortage I get why many Black women postpone having children. But, I guess what puzzles me is the idea that not having children can somehow free a person up for a fuller life, where they can “have it all.”

For one, I always thought the “it all” part meant family. Correct me if I'm wrong, but “it all” hopefully does not refer to how many pairs of Jimmy Choos collect dust in your closet, or endless nights spent dreaming up marketing strategies for your boss nor time lost in nightclubs and bars. Has the “do you” movement swooped in an changed the definition of “it all” to a superficial collection of meaningless experiences and materials.

The biggest concern I have for this generation of women is the shortsighted nature of the childfree lifestyle. One fallacy of American culture is the lie of individualism. The idea that we can live our lives on our terms without effecting the experiences of another and with no consequence to other individuals. Newsflash: Even a single human is not an “individual.” The universe made even a single person a combination of things that are not complete without one another.

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